Computer Jokes
(and some others for lighthearted writers)
* * *
Subject: VIRUS ALERT!!!!
Finally, a virus warning I wholeheartedly believe is factual.
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do
not
open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also
delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It
demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and
uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice
cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's
number.
It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting
company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all
while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their
hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to
passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly
change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will
leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously
close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and
pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell
like dill pickles.
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It
is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!
(NOT!)
Ah, for the good old days. ;-)
* * *
A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
a cd was a bank account
and if you had a 3.5" floppy
you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens, they will wish they were dead
Here are some ads written by people who obviously needed a Literacy Test themselves.
* * *
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere
again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and
smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
10. Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
Writers need to depict their characters accurately, even if they dwell in strange and exotic locales. (If you're into "political correctness," better skip this one!)
* * *
1. MaryAnn and Lisa adopted a cocker spaniel for their commitment ceremony.
If their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and they walk at a rate of 3/4 mile
per hour, how much time will they spend discussing their relationship in public?
2. Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his
self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but Michael feels 3% better
for every person he denigrates, how long will it take before he's ready to go home
if 1 person walks by the cafe every 2 minutes?
3. Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of getting cellulitis on
any given day is 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Sanjeev will need to renew
his erythromycin prescription during the next week?
4. Chad wants to take half a pound of pot to Orinda and sell it at a 20% profit.
If it originally cost him $1,500 in food stamps, how much should Nicole write the
check for?
5. The City and County of San Francisco decides to destroy 50 rats infesting
downtown. If 9,800 animal rights activists hold a candlelight vigil, how many
people did each dead rat empower?
6. A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are tossed randomly
in a drawer. What is the likelihood that the first two socks drawn will be
socks of color?
7. George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattes every morning. If
each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine, what is George's average caffeine
density in mg/pound?
8. There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them recycle plastic. If each household
recycles 10 soda bottles a day and buys one polar fleece pullover per month, does
Mill Valley have a monthly plastic surplus or deficit? Bonus question: Assuming
all the plastic bottles are 1 liter size, how much Evian are they drinking?
9. If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker in 30 seconds, and the
waitress brings a platter of 12 pot stickers, how long will it take five vegans to
not eat them?
10. Todd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1 bills in his wallet.
If he always gives panhandlers a single buck, how many legs did he have to step over
if he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and met only one double-amputee?
Advanced Placement Students Only:
11. Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a three-bedroom apartment
on Guerrero for $2400 a month. Effie and Trip can share one bedroom, but the
other three need their own rooms with separate ISDN lines to run their web servers.
None of them wants to use the futon in the living room as a bed, and they each want
to save $650 in three months to attend the Burning Man festival. What is their
best option:
a. All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as handgun
monitors at Mission High School.
b. Ask Miles, a bisexual auto mechanic, to share Effie and
Trip's bedroom for $500/month.
c. Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling her annual
digital-artists-of-color stipend.
d. Rent strike.
Thanks to CIAC for the original version of the Good Times Spoof. As you'll see it has considerably more "bite" than the popular version above.
* * *
The Good Times Spoof
(Written by Patrick J Rothfuss, December 1996.)
READ THIS:
Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but
it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It
will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice
cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit
cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field
harmonics to scratch any CD's you try to play.
It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It
will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and
leave its socks out on the coffee table when there's company coming
over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit
pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will
give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your
gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your
girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to
your Discover card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she
is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the
grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't
find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on
your boss's voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It
is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather
interesting shade of mauve.
Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the
toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methanphedime in your bathtub
and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase
gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
Listen to me. Goodtimes does not exist.
It cannot do anything to you. But I can. I am sending this
message to everyone in the world. Tell your friends, tell your
family. If anyone else sends me another E-mail about this fake
Goodtimes Virus, I will turn hating them into a religion. I will do
things to them that would make a horsehead in your bed look like
Easter Sunday brunch.
So there, take that Good Times.
Novels have characters, and those characters tend to have families. In almost every case, writers should make these families as realistic as possible. This little essay can help.
* * *
The Evolution of Mom
(The following appeared in the February 1998 issue of Parenting magazine.)
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby.
Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs
from having your first:
* Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your
OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
* The Baby's Name
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations
of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might
as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls.
Bimaldo? Perfect!
* Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing
didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
* The Layette
1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them
neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the
ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
* The Pacifier drops to the floor:
1st baby: sterilize pacifier in boiling water for 10 minutes
2nd baby: rinse pacifier in running water
3rd baby: hold pacifier up to a light source to check for hair
* Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
* Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
* Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you
call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where
you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if
she sees blood.
* At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the
baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't
squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
children.
* * *
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
No recitation of English is complete without some real 'groaners.'
(You think this is hard, think of the translators who must carry such double meanings between different languages!)
* * *