Men vs. Women
Men vs. Women
Chances are your stories contain both male and female characters. In case you hadn't noticed, they are different. Writers need to understand this well, and there are many essays to help. These four are especially clever.
Men and Women: the Point System
This one is of the popular 'list' variety, and is from the male POV.
~~~~~~~~~~~
A Letter to a Man from a Woman.
1.) Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
2.) ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
3.) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
4.) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
5.) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find
the perfect present yet again!
6.) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't
want to hear.
7.) Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel
lint or the shotgun formation.
8.) Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9.) Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
10.) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11.) You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
12.) Crying is blackmail.
13.) Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work.
Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
14.) No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark Anniversaries on the calendar.
15.) Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
16.) Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at
choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
17.) "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
18.) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
19.) Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
20.) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
21.) Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.
22.) Check your oil.
23.) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
24.) No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
25.) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
26.) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes
you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
27.) Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
28.) You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.
29.) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
30.) If it itches, it will be scratched.
31.) Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
32.) If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind--it's like camping!
This one is quite edgy, and all too relevant for both sexes.
* Note that it contains some profanity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The College Assignment: He vs. She
Remember the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? Here's a prime
example offered by an English professor at an American University.
"Today [the Professor explained] we will experiment with a new form called the
tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting
to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of
a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph
to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and
forth.
"Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story
coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must
be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been
reached."
"The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca
-last name deleted, and Jim - last name deleted."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which
used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl,
who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now,
at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if
she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was
out of the question.
(second paragraph by Jim)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit
over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed
asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year
ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic communicator.
"Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far... " But before
he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole
through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt sent him flying out of his seat and across
the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last
pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings
for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful
farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and
bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed
unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her
from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why
must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
(Jim)
Little did she know, but she had less than ten seconds to live. Thousands of miles
above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion
missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament
Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for
the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two
hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth,
carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them,
they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered
the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters
on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive
explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The
President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm
going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner
is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Jim)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are
the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall
I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who
reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
(Rebecca)
A**hole.
(Jim)
Bitch.
(Rebecca)
Wanker.
(Jim)
Slut.
(Rebecca)
Get f*cked.
(Jim)
Eat sh*t.
(Rebecca)
F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
(Jim)
Go drink some tea - Whore.
-------
(Professor)
A+
I really liked this one.
* * *
He Said, She Said.